Oh dear bearded beauty…

I know these pictures are old news but I can’t get over them. Not yet.

I’ve said here how much I love his outfit, but this time it’s not about fashion.

I don’t want to be brainy, to analyze and dissect why I love these pictures so much. It’s not important. What is, however, and what fascinates me is how much he appeals to me. Every time I look at them, it stirs my insides, provoking such a strong gut reaction.

I didn’t used to desire him, at least not until recently, but when I see a picture like the one above, I must admit I want him really bad 🙂 I just want to be shallow and enjoy his gorgeousness.

What about you ? Do you have a picture that always do the trick for you ? Launching butterflies in you stomach every time you lay eyes on him ?

Hiatus or not hiatus

Well, truth be told, not the end stricto sensu, it’s more of a hiatus.

I’ve been posting less and less during the past few weeks. Not because my fondness of Richard is diminishing, not because the drought has stifled my passion or because I’m sick of the cute-crazy Armitage Army. Like I’ve already stated here, sometimes life happens. 

My life is happening and even Tumblr, even our beloved Richard isn’t enough of a distraction from what I’m going through. It used to be a way out, a relief valve for me, but it’s not working anymore and I don’t see the point of keeping this blog if my heart’s not in it any longer.

I don’t know for how long I’ll leave or when I’ll feel like coming back. If you want to unfollow me, I won’t mind 🙂 It was never about gaining more and more followers but about having fun with a bunch a crazy girls 😉

I’ll most certainly miss you, all of you.

Now let’s have a last RA spam before I leave !

Here’s a copy of a post I’ve made on Tumblr about a month ago. I wanted to post something like that here as well but I thought, at the time, that I’d be able to finish some of the drafts I had in my pocket. But I didn’t. And this weird situation lasted.

And here I am. Blogging again. Not saying goodbye. Not at all. But screaming loud and clear, I’m alive !

Richard has been intruding my dreams every night since Monday in all his bearded glory. I think my subconscious is trying to send me a message 🙂

My life is still not in order, but it’s getting better. For one thing, I’ve started to fantasize on Mr A again, which is a good thing in my point of view. I want it, I want my creativity back, I want to write, I want him to be a part of the many things that make me feel alive.

My english is a bit rusty, that’s what happens when you don’t write/speak one single sentence in english for weeks. I’m sorry for my franglish 🙂

Kisses and dreams

Or how, until my last kiss study, my laziness makes me export an article from tumblr. But, please, still on the kiss thematic. You’ve learned by now that I’m quite fond of kissing scenes. But this one is far from being my fav because of the bitch Sarah Caulfield (and because there’s a real lack of alchemy between these two…. everything feels wrong and forced between them  * le sigh*)

The shark attack

If I’ve decided to gif it tonight it’s not because I’ve changed my mind but because of a dream I’ve had whilst I was still on drugs (thanks sickness). Being an admirer of his for the past 7 months, I’ve never dreamt of Richard. Ever. Whereas Michael Fassbender has been invading my dreams a little too much for my taste XD. Getting back to the dream, I find some its elements  in that kiss, the brusqueness, his way of forcing her into this kiss, the awkwardness.

I remember little, only a scene, but what a scene ! and especially the feelings and sensations, so strong and overwhelming !

We’re in my hometown, in a street, just outside a bar. The cold bites my cheeks. I try in vain to warm my hands by blowing on them. He’s facing me, a smirk on his face. I can’t explain why,  but I know we’ve been spending the evening flirting. I want him. I want him so much it’s almost painful, crushing me whole.

We’re chatting mindlessly, and every time his gaze shifts from mine, my stomach and heart are twisting in fear until his eyes fall on me again. I feel so alive when he looks at me. And then all I want is to disappear as his beauty seems suffocating to me. His feminine ways, his elegant gestures. His bright eyes opened to the world. His dazzling look that pierces me, disarms me.

One moment we’re talking, the next is on me, against me, his lips crushed against mine, his right hand intertwined with my hair, forcing me into this kiss, his body pressed against mine, almost hurting me with his brusqueness. His free hand is out to discover my body. I choke under his embrace, his kisses, gasping for air and having this strange tingling sensation in the palms of my hands, light headed, legs weak at the knees. 

So I cling to him as if I were drowning, I’m melting into him, blending in him, my nails driven into his neck. His stuble scrapes my face, my mouth but I don’t care. I’m devouring him as he’s devouring me. It’s good and awkward. Soft and passionate, spicy and fragrant. The urgency of the freezing weather is pushing us to embrace each other, to warm us up. This heat is so real.

And I woke up

I don’t know what this dream says about me. It’s interesting that my subconscious,  when I never fantasize over a physical intimacy nor dream of him, throws me into Richard’s arms so violently in a kiss more than passionate.

Lire la suite

Armitage study : kiss scene (part 2)

Comme toujours, la version française de l’article sous « lire la suite » !

After this interruption due to  my ramblings, back to what we’re interested in – or at least what interests me  – : Mr A’s kiss scenes.

The second scene to pass under my searching eye is  the first kiss between Maya and John Lucas. This is the real deal, we are far from the pious and chaste kiss exchanged between Guy and Meg ! Like in my first analysis, opinions developped here are mine, it’s the perception I have of the scene and not the ultimate and absolute truth of the latter. You might not share my point of view, and that’s great ! Feel free to comment, I love to discuss 😉

It’s always better when it’s moving !

What interests me above all is their body language and love parade before kissing, especially Maya’s, because it’s the only time I felt connected to this character. They’re standing at opposite ends of the room, him near the door, she near the bay window. She doesn’t remove her coat once she’s in, she doesn’t intend to stay. Not avoiding his gaze, Maya struggles to hold it, even when she tries to unravel his lies. Despite her desire to confront John, staring at him intensely, she always look away after a few seconds because she can’t stand it. I think she knows that at any moment she might succumb, somehow, she has already « lost » the battle by agreeing to come, and moreover at home (not a public place but an intimate one although impersonal in the case of a spy). Obviously, her arms are folded across her chest, a classic. But beyond the fact that Maya stands back and is shut, I think she’s mostly on the reserve, trying to protect herself from being hurt again. She wants to believe in John, to be convinced by what he says, otherwise she would not be there. If Maya keeps her distance and keeps her arms firmly crossed it’s because she’s also protecting herself from her own weaknesses. I see  her behaviour as way to give herself courage and above all to avoid any temptation :  stay away from John, do not touch him, do not look at him for too long, as if  his proximity was intoxicating and therefore irresistible ;). There’s probably an element of pride in her attitude as well, wounded pride by the lies of the man she loved.

As for John (you can’t imagine how hard it is for me to write John instead of  Lucas …..), he doesn’t move. He’s wrong, so he lets her come to him, the choice is not his, it’s hers. He’s not in control of the situation, he hopes for reconciliation but in disbelief. From the moment Maya starts to « weaken », she gets closer to him. Very close indeed, closer than in a casual conversation, with only a few inches between them. She still keeps her arms crossed though, still protecting herself both from him and herself. While Maya’s gaze continues to shift from John’s, he never stops staring at her. At no time until he closes his eyes when he kisses her. If I remember correctly, the only times he avoids her eyes are when he lies shamelessly. The opposite of what we saw between Guy and Meg. John wants Maya, he loves her, devouring her with his overwhelming gaze. Because he doesn’t want to seem threatening, he stands slightly hunched, he is vulnerable, at the mercy of the woman he loves, and especially of her decision. Despite their different heights, their eyes are almost at the same level.

Close your eyes and you’ll remember. Close your eyes.

When she completely stops to look at him , her eyes downcast, he leans gently towards her, seeking her gaze, trying to convince her to trust him. I think he feels he has an opening, that she’s about to yield. Thus, his words are softer, he talks to her in an intimate whisper barely audible. Every time I hear him utter those words, I shudder. If John asks Maya to close her eyes, beyond the simple fact to remember, above all he asks her to trust him. To close one’s eyes  is putting  oneself in a weak position, it’s being at somebody’s mercy, it’s offering oneself to someone. And she agrees. Not without a last attempt to fend him off. From the moment her eyelids are closed, she recoiled, her body doesn’t move but she puts her head as far as possible from his.

Although he somehow « won », John keeps his distance. He’s hesitant. I have long believed that it was he who approached her, but while rewatching  the scene several times – what torture ! – I realized that it wasn’t the case. Yes, it’s he who makes the first step, it’s he who kisses her. But Maya has an ambiguous attitude. Indeed, she initially recoiled when she closes her eyes. But after John has got slightly nearer to her, she moves her face to meet his, stopping just a few inches from him. It’s clearly shown on the screenshots below. When you’re this close to someone, you feel it. You feel the warmth of her/his body next to yours, you feel his/her breath against your face, you’re acutely aware of this proximity. Maya knew this would happen, she tried to resist, but she yielded. But she’s not active, she lets John chooses for her by a tacit agreement, too torn between her conflicted feelings.

Maya, not as passive as I thought she was

Again I stress the importance of  John’s gaze during this scene. Even when Maya closes her eyes, he’s constantly staring at her, fixing her eyelids. When she moves towards him, his gaze drifts to her lips, the universal code for a) I badly want to kiss you or b) you have a piece of lettuce stuck between your teeth. I vote for the first proposition in this case ! And while the tip of his nose gently caresses hers, he looks at her one last time before closing his eyes, overwhelmed by his feelings.

What I especially like  in this kiss is that it’s in two stages. The first act is extremely soft and slow while in restraint, their lips  barely moving. John kisses Maya, not vice versa. It’s a kiss of two former lovers who rediscover each other, getting to know each other once again. Then sensuality takes over the kiss. Lust kicks in, they need  to be closest to the loved one, to merge,  to feel at one. John straightens up gradually in the first act, gaining confidence, dominating Maya and pressing his face against hers. The second act is passionate, fiery and sensual. Maya gets really active in their kiss, taking his head in her hands, clinging to him, disappearing into their embrace.

If I weren’t a hopeless romantic, that kiss would probably be my all time favourite because it’s the one in which I find myself the most. I love the fact that there’s this tension throughout the scene, a tension which is released only when they kiss (at last) before being replaced by another type of tension. I like this build-up, slow but inexorable, that fumbling and  shy hesitation  that turns into a turmoil of senses. I was this girl in a complicated relationship, loving as much as hating this man, refusing to yield because of my wounded pride, but who can’t resist him, swept by a sense of physical communion as well as a communion of mind. I’ve been kissed like that and I kissed like that. I was this girl behind a complicated relationship, loving a man and hating myself for what he was going through because of me, desperate to get him back but keeping him at bay to protect him, wanting him more than anything and overwhelmed by this single connection. When I see John and Maya kissing, I find myself in one AND the other. That’s why this kiss has such a distinctive place in my heart.

Lire la suite

Are we in love with Richard ? Thoughts about Armitagemania

I have several posts on hand,  my two kisses to analyse and a brief summary of my London trip, but I want if not need an interlude. Why? There’s quite a mess in my little head and I have to evacuate it (perhaps it’s the fast approaching of my 25th birthday, will I become an adult at last ? ^ ^)

For those who don’t know it yet, I also run under the same pseudonym a Tumblog I use to share most of my creations (animated or things RA related) but also to discover the creations of our army’s other members. It ‘s a platform rather messy, reactive, a bit shallow but also very addictive 🙂 It’s very visual, whereas wordpress is more textual and analytical (although this doesn’t prevent us from behaving like any fangirl , admiring Richard’s nipples for example ….)

(currently gifing Strike Back – screencaps are mine)

I recently noticed something, first on Tumblr and then  here via Snicker’s mom’s post : « defection » of some fans to other actors. In both cases it’s in Tom Hiddleston’s  favor, but it’s only pure chance, thanks to The Avengers. If I’d written this article 4 months ago, I’d named Michael Fassbender, and in 4 months it’d be yet another actor. I don’t begrudge these people for their « infidelity », nor those actors for leading them astray 😉 , I recognize also that, as for myself, I am not insensible to their charms and talents.

I’m not one to  easily fall in admiration and fanaticism, like any teenager, for the first talented actor attractive enough to catch my attention. Which is why I was much taken aback by my gut reaction for Richard. I’m not a fangirl. I’ve never been  and I would probably never be one again. If not for him. Him alone. And the day when this madness will come to an end, because that day will come, it will have only been him.

John Porter, showing us his muscular back

Why do I say that the day of my defection will come with such certainty ? Because it’s already somewhat the case. No, I’m exaggerating a little, but I’m not far from reality. Why? Because I distance myself. I already did on a regular basis from the beginning, but I used to plunged back every time.  Not anymore. Strangely, this dates back to my article on fantasies, as if the fact of having  written them down had suppressed them.  For example, since I’ve written my main fantasy here, I’ve never invoked it again.  Do I need another scenario to play with? Maybe 🙂

Is the scarcity of Richard the cause of my declining passion ? In part, I’d be lying if I said otherwise, but it really isn’t the main reason. I’m too « new » in this army for it to affect my enthusiasm. I think I invested so much in my Richard, who lives in my head, in my fantasies, that the true one, as Richard himself, doesn’t have the same interest in my eyes. He’s no match to my fantasized version of him. Which is a good thing !

I’m better in my life, my work,  my relationship. I feel that I could eat the world. I wasn’t in a hole when Richard (or rather John) crossed my path, but I wasn’t good either. And he helped me feel good again , he supported me, he was my pillar,  he made me smile, laugh and cry. The moment I saw him, I loved him with all my heart. There have been only him. There will only be him. I forget who said this, but this sentence comes to my mind « a crush lasts only four months. » It’s been six months for me, so when I say I’m a baby soldier, I’m not kidding :). And yet I’m still hooked, I stepped back, certainly, for my own sanity, but I’m still hooked ! It’s not a crush. I’m in love with him. That’s it. I write it. This is not a love in the conventional sense, let’s be clear, but the feelings I experienced and I feel are very close to what I felt every time I fell in love, hence the parallel I authorize myself to make, and especially the words I allow myself to use. The words we use to describe our admiration for him are part of the love vocabulary, so why not push the analogy further? The fires of passion have thus subsided between Richard and I, we are now starting a calmer but deeper relationship 🙂

Of course there’s his lovely profile, but all I see is his hands, holding the trigger, and his raised thumb.

Am I crazy ?  Am I sick because I write these words ? I do not think so. Of course, naming things makes them real, but it can also hold them at bay. The act of writing, particularly here, and interacting with other fans makes me realize that I am not alone which is reassuring, but mostly is cathartic, so I encourage you all to write what’s on your heart, no matter who read you, whether it bothers some people or not, do it for you and it will make a world of good.

Lire la suite

I’d love to/ J’adorerais

Cela me brise le coeur de savoir que je ne le connaîtrai jamais réellement – Original can be found here

I’m not one to be interested into celebrities private life. Moreover, the fact that Mr Armitage’s is so private is not to displease me. I’d hate to find his whereabouts spread all over a tabloid. What interests me in a band I like is their music. What fascinates me in a novel is the way I feel while reading it. That’s why I’m always surprised to discover in an article the face / life /age of a person I admire because in general my curiosity is limited to their work and not to themselves.

Mr Armitage is the exception that proves the rule. I’d barely finished watching North and South that I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to (and still does) know the real him. Who is he ? How is he when there’s no camera ? What makes him laugh ? What does he like ? What is his favorite color/book/dishes ? What was his childhood like ? How is he with his friends/relatives ? I would love to know his foibles, his mannerisms, the nuances of his intonation betraying what he really feels, how he is when he’s tired/angry/amused. All those little details that make us who we truly are. It reminds me of an another richardarmitageconfession, one about just being his friend and hanging out together. I’d love to.

But sometimes, my fanaticism of him, – because I‘m a fan(atic) let’s face it -, pushes me to question my sanity – thus this blog second title. It’s like the ebb and flow of the sea. Sometimes my feelings and sensations are so overwhelming that it almost becomes scary. At other times, I distance myself so much that I’m able to tell myself I could stop everything and no longer feel the urge to talk and write about him. And then I see a picture of him, a gif, I hear his voice and the cycle repeats.

I’m leaving tomorrow for London for a long week-end, so no new post until at least tuesday. I have a few things on my mind, and after being such a masochist by studying Lucas, I will treat myself (and you 🙂 ) with something nice. The idea popped in my mind while making these gifs. Next on the french armitage army, a kiss study in 3 acts ! 🙂

Je ne suis pas du genre à m’intéresser à la vie privée des célébrités. D’ailleurs, le fait que celle de M. Armitage soit aussi privée n’est pas pour me déplaire. Je détesterai retrouver ses déboires en une d’un tabloid. Ce qui m’intéresse dans un groupe que j’aime, c’est leur music. Ce qui me fascine dans un roman que j’adore, c’est ce que je ressens en le lisant. C’est pourquoi je suis toujours surprise de découvrir au détour d’un article le visage/l’âge/la vie d’une personne que j’admire, car en général mon intérêt se limite à leur travail et non à leur petite personne.

M. Armitage est l’exception qui confirme la règle. A peine avais-je fini de regarder Nord et Sud que je voulais en savoir plus sur lui. Je voulais (et veux toujours) connaître le “vrai” lui. Qui est il ? Comment se comporte-t-il quand il n’y a plus de caméras ? Qu’est ce qui le fait rire ? Qu’aime-t-il ? Quel est son plat/livre/couleur préféré ? Comment était son enfance ? Comment est-il avec ses amis/famille ? J’adorerais connaître ses faiblesses, ses petites manies, les nuances de son intonation trahissant ce qu’il pense réellement, comment il est lorsqu’il est fatigué/énervé/amusé. Toutes ces petites choses qui font de nous ce que nous sommes réellement. Cela me rappelle une autre richardarmitageconfession, une à propos d’être simplement son amie et d’aller boire un verre ensemble. J’adorerais.

Mais mon fanatisme pour lui, car oui, je suis une fanatique il faut le reconnaître, me pousse parfois à remettre en question ma santé mentale, d’où le sous-titre de ce blog. Il est comme les flux et reflux de la mer. Parfois, les sentiments et les sensations que je ressens sont tellement puissants que cela en devient flippant, à d’autres moments, je prend tellement de recul que je me dis que je pourrais laisser tout tomber et ne plus éprouver le besoin de parler et d’écrire sur lui. Et puis je vois une photo de lui, un gif, j’entend sa voix et le cycle recommence.

Je pars demain à Londres pour un long week-end, donc pas de nouveau post avant au moins mardi. J’ai plusieurs choses à l’esprit, et après avoir été une telle masochiste en étudiant Lucas, je vais me faire plaisir  (et vous faire plaisir) en étudiant quelque chose d’agréable cette fois. L’idée m’est venue tout en faisant ces gifs. Prochainement sur the french armitage army, une étude en 3 actes de baiser ! 🙂

Fantasies / Fantasmes part 2

Comme toujours, en français sous « lire la suite « 

Following the excellent article by Servetus, I have slightly delayed the publication of this one because I felt the need to develop certain aspects of my thinking. What I found particularly interesting in her article is that she conjures different characters played by Mr A in her fantasies. Richard as himself, or at least as she sees him, only came later, when she allowed herself to fantasize about him. Personally, I’ve never fantasized about one of his character, ever. I understand the attraction they may have for some, but not for me. Only Mr A as himself takes part in my fantasies, because as I said during the 30 day RA challenge , my favorite of his characters is his public persona,  therefore it’s logical that he’s the hero of my scenarios. Why should I be embarrassed to admit this ? The vision I have of Richard is as fictional than the one I have of Guy or Lucas, so I see no reason to police what I say.

Richard Armitage at the Hobbit press conference, the only protagonist of my fantasies

After my childhood fantasies, the one that makes me endure my job when  it exhausts me or when there’s a tension with le BF is Richard. I only have two fantasy about him, and only the most recent (and most powerful) interests me here. This is a not a writing master piece, I’ve simply tried to summarize the scenario I play with so do not expect a work of art! 🙂

Journalist for a magazine, I’m on my way to the Hobbit press conference for the movie promotional tour in Bordeaux (even if it’s a major french city, it’s far from enough to attract the Hobbit but… fantasy :)). I’m dogged by misfortunes, the tram I’m in goes down  and I have to finish the journey on foot. It starts raining and my shoes hurt. I wanted to be a « real woman » by wearing heels,  but now I regret it. I always have a pair of flat shoes in my bag, so I changed, keeping the other pair in hand, and resume my route. I finally get to the hotel, drenched and exhausted, only to realize that I missed the conference.

The Regent Hotel in Bordeaux, one of my fantasy scenery

Annoyed, I’m about to leave , thinking about my boss’ future scolding when I see two men coming off the hotel bar. I know it’s him. His back is turned to me, accompanied by his publicist, but I’d recognize him amongst a thousand. I know I look miserable, hair dripping, mascara probably streaming on my cheeks, heels in hand, but I can’t miss this opportunity. I approach him but his agent is standing before him, putting a distance between us. He tries to push me away, but I insist. Richard intervenes, interrupting  his agent to let me speak, staring at me from head to toe, which makes me even more self-conscious of what I look like. I’m mortified but gathering my courage, I quickly explained my situation, begging for a few minutes of his time. Something in my words or my attitude makes him took pity of me because he accepts my offer, much to the chagrin of his agent. I ask him how long he can give me. 15 minutes. If he gives me 10 more, I take him to a pub next door to be out of the Hobbit madness . A pint of beer is an excellent argument because once again he agrees. Follows an idle chatter on the way.

The Charles Dickens pub

I keep for myself the questions I’d ask him  because they change depending on my mood – and they’re too dear to me. The interview goes well, I’m professional, I don’t fangirl, which might embarrass him, and I even managed to gain his trust despite a difficult start. I’m especially interested in him, I try to capture him in the time allotted to me. Some questions are very specific  other completely anecdotic. He’s sometimes elusive, but he avoids no questions. I’d be lying if I said I don’t flirt a little with him, but it’s not what this whole fantasy is about. Mr A isn’t famous in France, not yet, so we aren’t disturbed in the pub or on the way.

Once the interview ended, I pay for our consomations and accompanies him to his hotel. On the way, an idle chatter again. I ask him if he had time to visit Bordeaux since his arrival. No, their schedule is too tight so they have no time for sightseeing, to his chagrin. I stop and stare at him. Without even thinking, I suggest, if he wishes to and if he has time, to give him a tour of my city. Polite, he smiles and replies that he’d love to but can’t. I interrupt him by saying that it’s okay, I understand. He laughs again and goes on, saying that if I want him to, he can join me once his obligations fulfilled. A stupid grin on my face, I scribbles my number on a piece of paper and hands him before I leave.

Parking Victor Hugo

Does he call me ? Yes. Do I give him a tour of my beloved Bordeaux ? Yes. Another pub that I love (  beer+me = the perfect equation), a wine bar whose main room is built around a huge fake real-looking tree, a parking with a car giving the impression of to be about falling into the void, the narrow streets and crooked places crawling with restaurants and nightlife, a huge square with a massive fountain, the ruins of a Roman arena, the quays of the Garonne and « Le miroir d’eau » for a final evening walk. It’s adorable, funny, moving. In one word,  perfect. Does he kiss me or more ? No. I touch his hands, his face, he does the same. Nothing more, nothing less. But there is this connection, just this once, just once, for one evening. And that’s all.

This fantasy is deeply rooted in reality. I’m not nice with myself, on the contrary, I’m in trouble (rain, tram going down). I try to take an exacerbated femininity that isn’t mine (the shoes). As a child I wanted to be a writer. Growing up, I told myself  journalist would be a good financial alternative. Adoring film critic, it’s a job I’ve considered for long. In the end, I took a different path but it’s something I could have done. As in my real life, I’ve just started my job and I suffers from pressure from my boss. I see Richard as a case study I want to dissect and solve his mystery. I take him to a place where I feel comfortable, I control the setting if not the effect he has on me. A pint of beer always helps ! What I want is to see the world through his eyes and let him see the world through mine, hence the proposition to visit my town.

Le Palais Gallien, ruins of a roman arena

aside

I’ve always have this fascination with what happens in people’s head. We all have a different way of seeing, feeling and thinking, and I find it extraordinary.The differences are further exacerbated between two people from different cultures and languages. The language we speak and the words we have shape our thoughts, so I’m often frustrated when I speak/write in English, because words fail me and therefore my thoughts are not as precise as I’d like. I always have in mind this example of Inuit languages with about thirty words for « snow ». Thus an Inuit succeed to think and express nuances that I would be unable to seize, as French.

End of aside.

By paying the bill and proposing to give him a tour, keep control while remaining independent. I take the lead, leaving him my number, but doesn’t ask for his because he has to come to me. If he wants to see me, let him come. I’m definitely proud. But by leaving the choice to call me or not, I leave an opening that prevents me to suffer the full brunt of rejection. My insecurities. In real life, I’m in a relationship, but not in my fantasy. However, nothing happens between me and Mr A. Not because unconsciously I refuse to « cheat » on le BF, but because it’s not what I want. I’m looking for this connection, the communion between two minds, just once, just one night. Nothing more, nothing less. Therefore an autographed photo will never satisfy me 😉

Le miroir d'eau

Lire la suite

Fantasies / Fantasmes (part 1)

La version française de cet article se trouve sous « lire la suite » 😉

One topic I’ve wish to discuss here for a while now : the fantasies that we can have as a fan. I should say immediately that I will not talk about sexual fantasies, not that I deny their existence, on the contrary because, admit it or not, I’m sure half of us has fantasized about Mr A.’s intimacy at least once. There’s nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of, although I understand that it’s about something very private, and that talking about it can be misunderstood by some people.

The main protagonist on my fantasies : the man himself and his lovely hands

So what is a fantasy? After a quick search, here’s my definition : imaginary scenario including the completion of a conscious or unconscious desire. I emphasized the word unconscious because it seems to be an important part of fantasies, and  as I always say, what we feel, what we think, and now what we fantasize reveals more about us than  about Richard.

What do we do when we fantasize ? We play and we change the reality so that it bends to our desires. This doesn’t necessarily mean  that our fantasies are always positive, it may happen that certain desires or rather unconscious fears are expressed through our fantasies. Ultimately, a fantasy is a way of deceiving ourselves we all use. We lie to ourselves, we delude ourselves in it.

How one can resist this smile ?

I’ll obviously talk about mine and the part they have always had in my life. But what interests me more specifically is what type of fantasy Mr A. causes. I know where I stand, but what about you ? Are the situations you imagine realistic or completely fictional ? Are your fantasies platonic or on the contrary pg-17 ? Are you an hopeless romantic wishing a happy ending like Margaret or Geraldine ? Do you picture Mr A as himself – or at least his public persona – or is it  one of his characters that has your favors ? Is it the same scenario that you play again and again ? Or do you have a whole gallery of fantasies ? And you, how do you picture yourself ? Do you hide behind an alter ego, an improved version of yourself perhaps, or are you you ? I could go on  like that for hours :).

Personally, fantasies have always been a part of my life. I’m an only child, raised by a single mother who worked hard, thus I spent much of my time alone which developed my imagination. I read a lot, which allowed me to experience many adventures, and at one point I started imagining my own. My fantasies have grown with me, evolving along with my desires. For example, I often imagine a situation I had experienced but differently, replaying the scenario in my head several times, each time changing a tiny detail until it suits me.  This mecanism helps me get better and handle certain situations that otherwise I couldn’t deal with in reality. My fantasies hold me together, they helped me.

I’ll stop here for now, this post is, again, much longer than what I expected. Tomorrow will  be the « me-part » of this topic where I’ll analyze a fantasie of my own 🙂

 

Lire la suite

RA’s autograph

Version française de l’article sous « lire la suite » 🙂

In the early stages of my addiction, when I was still deep in North and South, the very origin of the existence of this blog, I felt a compelling need to express what I felt. For Richard, in his incredible talent, is an actor who makes me feel things, feelings, emotions, sensations. It’s not only his job that triggers this phenomenon but his whole being. A well-chosen photo of him, a particular quote, and especially his voice makes me feel. Never an actor had caused this reaction before him. In contact with his work, through what I felt so badly, I felt alive too. Therefore, overflowing with these intense feelings, I needed to externalize and put words on it.

Richard's autograph, taken from here

The very first thing I did was to write. Specifically write to him. I need to say that this letter, although written for and about him, was not really intended to him. It was a way like another to express what I felt with and for him. Indeed, the only time I’ve written to a celebrity, was at 9 and it was for the Spice Girls – please don’t judge me ! XD-. Suffice to say that I wasn’t used to this stuff ! So I wrote this letter, this long letter in English to explain, and above all, to explain to myself the reasons of my sudden and disproportionate dedication to this man I’ll never meet. Some extracts of this letter have been incorporated into my Why now? ,Why him?  and Why me?posts

That was a release but it wasn’t enough. Starting to look up information about him via Google (like everyone :D), I discovered blogs, forums and wonderful sites, designed to fuel my addiction. I wanted to know everything about him. But strangely, the only thing I didn’t sought was if he were in a relationship or not, returning key word in research related to his name 🙂 Then I discovered the special relationship he maintains with his fans, these lovely messages he’s sent them, and also the subject I wanted to raise here : autographed photos. I didn’t even think you could write to a celebrity asking for one !
So I now had a letter and an address. What would I do? I thought to send my pages. I thought about it seriously. Even if I knew that my letter would not arrive in his hands, I needed to express all the good I thought of him because it never hurts to receive a compliment ;). I  prepared everything,  I just had to post it. But I couldn’t. For a whole month I kept this envelope at the bottom of my bag, to the point that it got damaged. And then I put it away in a drawer, where it’s still there, crumpled and stained.Why? Why did I not send it? Why would I never ask for an autograph from Richard ?

This one is Jonia's, found on her wonderful blog 🙂

I understand the need some people feel to request an autograph, be it face to face with a celebrity or by mail, it’s a trace, a proof of the encounter in the first case, and it’s a piece of said celebrity in the second. I do not judge this practice. But it doesn’t reflect me at all. Actually if I were to send this letter, it weren’t an autographed photo I’d  wish to receive in return but an answer, not necessarily a letter, but at least a few lines, something personal, real, addressed to me.  An autograph is not enough for me, I must be too demanding ! It’s like in the case of an encounter. I don’t picture myself  to a premiere, crushed between dozens and dozens other fans, begging for an autograph. Perhaps I would see  him from afar, but I certainly would not be in the crowd. Again, don’t get me wrong, I do not denigrate these attitudes, it’s just that it’s not what I’m looking for. If he were in front of me, I would want to talk to him, ask him questions (one day I’d have to dig  this interview fantasy I have …), and try to capture a little of his being during these precious seconds (minutes ? 🙂 ), not take a picture of me with him or his autograph on a photo.
I want more from him, so much more than what he can give to his fans (and no, I’m not talking about what might happen in a bed or elsewhere ….;)) Thus I prefer to keep my distance I prefer to have nothing from him rather than have those scraps that’ll never satisfy my hunger of him.

RA nipples :)

I recently developed a certain fetish for his nipples. You can’t even imagine how embarrassing it is to write it here and to assume my post ! Especially since I’ve said several times that his nudity made me feel uncomfortable because I don’t want to objectify him. Richard is so much more than a nice body! But there’ss no harm in doing good, and I confess that, like many of you, Strike Back has tickled my imagination 😛 So here’s a little collage from my nipple folder (yes, I have a folder dedicated to his nipples, as well as one for his hand, and nose…)

J’ai récemment développé une certaine fascination pour ses tétons. Vous n’imaginez même pas combien c’est embarrassant de l’écrire ici et d’assumer mon post ! Surtout en sachant que j’ai répété plusieurs fois que sa nudité me mettait mal à l’aise car je ne veux pas le considérer comme un objet. Richard est beaucoup plus qu’un joli corps ! Mais il n’y a pas de mal à se faire du bien, et j’avoue que, comme beaucoup d’entre nous, Strike Back a titillé mon imagination 😛 Voici donc un petit collage tiré de mon dossier « tétons » (oui, j’ai un dossier dédié à cette partie de son corps, ainsi qu’à ses mains, et son nez…)