Oh dear bearded beauty…

I know these pictures are old news but I can’t get over them. Not yet.

I’ve said here how much I love his outfit, but this time it’s not about fashion.

I don’t want to be brainy, to analyze and dissect why I love these pictures so much. It’s not important. What is, however, and what fascinates me is how much he appeals to me. Every time I look at them, it stirs my insides, provoking such a strong gut reaction.

I didn’t used to desire him, at least not until recently, but when I see a picture like the one above, I must admit I want him really bad 🙂 I just want to be shallow and enjoy his gorgeousness.

What about you ? Do you have a picture that always do the trick for you ? Launching butterflies in you stomach every time you lay eyes on him ?

Meeting Richard Armitage | Rencontrer Richard Armitage

Retrouvez cet article en français sous « lire la suite » 😉

Like everyone in the Armitage Army, I couldn’t have been more delighted to read the stories (especially the very detailed one by ItsJSforMe 🙂 ) of fans meeting Richard. It may be stupid to write, but I’m really happy for them. I was excited, amazed and thrilled by what I read. I had the impression of being with them, and experience first hand a certain reality. A reality including somewhere on the other side of the world the man who has been occupying my thoughts way too often  for almost 1 year. Even though I’m very curious of who he is , I’ve accepted that my role as a fan is to never really grasp him as a person. Therefore, I rarely think of Mr A as himself, but rather as his fantasized version, as a character.

To read these encounters confronted me with his reality. Suddenly he became tangible, palpable, so far and yet so close. While I’m writing these words, he’s living his life in this foreign country, he’s working, he’s laughing at a joke, sharing a good meal, or yawning because he’s been up  since 5am. It’s not Richard Armitage, the actor, neither his characters that I had in mind while reading these recap, but a man, just a man, and almost a young man with this strangely boyish look . A man I could, you could cross at an unpretentious party, at the counter of a pub drinking a beer or at a park jogging, etc. In short, Richard.

I don’t know if I’m expressing myself correctly. What I’m trying to say is that I had a sense of identification so intense that I gasped. Even though my brain was screaming that I was in front of my computer and not in front of Richard, my body reacted as if this was the case. And that’s when I realized something. Something I touched in my questioning of the interest to possess an autograph from Richard Armitage. Just the use of the word « possess » sums it all : if we can’t « possess » him, at least we can « possess » a part of him.  Truth be told, I don’t want to meet him. This is not a « maybe » or « why not » or a « this is unlikely, however. » I have no desire to meet him. And if  by a pure miracle he found himself on my way, I’d turn back to avoid him. I had considered the idea that the most likely way to see him with my own eyes would be at a premiere or a ceremony, where I would be far away from me, drowned in the crowd and making no effort to get closer to him.

I do not want an autograph. I do not want to meet him. I do not want to be photographed next to him or even just take a picture of him. And yet I consider myself a fan. And yet I was overwhelmed and overjoyed at the idea that some of us have had the chance to meet and talk to him. Once again I wonder what that makes of me and what it says about me. What kind of fan am I to try to escape at all costs the object of my affection? It’s not shyness. I’m introverted, but not shy, and my hotheaded side can make me do really crazy things. I don’t think it’s because I’m too self-conscious. The media like to give caricatural and distorted image of us. However, I’m not ashamed to be a fan. At most, I wouldn’t want to disturb him, not to force my admiration on him because I respect him too much for that. But I know that this is still not the real reason.

I’ve always been honest here, I’ve always tried not to censor my thoughts and feelings  since for me the purpose of a blog is to let go the pressure. What’s the point of writing here if I can’t write what I really think? Then fine, allons-y. If I make the effort to consider the problem,  there are two reasons that lead me to have a position as categorical about meeting with Mr A. First, as I’ve already written here, my heart doesn’t beat for him but for his fantasized version (see fantaisies 1 and 2) . He provides his looks, a few character traits showing through in his interviews. So it’s about 20% of the man he is in my head. The remaining 80% are filled by my desires, by my thoughts and cravings. Richard Armitage is not my fantasy, he only gives me the shell for shelter. In a way, I am my own fantasy. With this in mind, it makes perfect sense that I lack interest in meeting him. At most to admire his looks 🙂

The second reason is much simpler. To meet him is to take the risk of being disappointed. It’s my reality vs his. The latter being fundamentally different from mine, I know that in any case I would be disappointed. Not because of my sudden realization that Richard is an asshole full of himself (there’s little chance it’s the case) but because a meeting with him will never happen the way I want. It’s all or nothing with me. If I can’t have everything I want, if I can’t have him as a whole (understand what you want to understand 😉 )  I’d rather not have him at all. I don’t want crumbs. I don’t belittle any people seeking contact, on the contrary, I could repeat it a thousand times, I’ve loved to read and see photos of these meetings. It’s just not for me.

So yes, I am a fan. Demanding, surely. Neurotic, without a doubt. But lucid and very self-deprecating.

And you, would you like to meet Richard Armitage ?

Edit : checking my post one last time before publishing it and guess what, one of the Cbeebies stories has just started to play 🙂

Edit 2 : And another fan gets to meet Richard ! 

Lire la suite

Hiatus or not hiatus

Well, truth be told, not the end stricto sensu, it’s more of a hiatus.

I’ve been posting less and less during the past few weeks. Not because my fondness of Richard is diminishing, not because the drought has stifled my passion or because I’m sick of the cute-crazy Armitage Army. Like I’ve already stated here, sometimes life happens. 

My life is happening and even Tumblr, even our beloved Richard isn’t enough of a distraction from what I’m going through. It used to be a way out, a relief valve for me, but it’s not working anymore and I don’t see the point of keeping this blog if my heart’s not in it any longer.

I don’t know for how long I’ll leave or when I’ll feel like coming back. If you want to unfollow me, I won’t mind 🙂 It was never about gaining more and more followers but about having fun with a bunch a crazy girls 😉

I’ll most certainly miss you, all of you.

Now let’s have a last RA spam before I leave !

Here’s a copy of a post I’ve made on Tumblr about a month ago. I wanted to post something like that here as well but I thought, at the time, that I’d be able to finish some of the drafts I had in my pocket. But I didn’t. And this weird situation lasted.

And here I am. Blogging again. Not saying goodbye. Not at all. But screaming loud and clear, I’m alive !

Richard has been intruding my dreams every night since Monday in all his bearded glory. I think my subconscious is trying to send me a message 🙂

My life is still not in order, but it’s getting better. For one thing, I’ve started to fantasize on Mr A again, which is a good thing in my point of view. I want it, I want my creativity back, I want to write, I want him to be a part of the many things that make me feel alive.

My english is a bit rusty, that’s what happens when you don’t write/speak one single sentence in english for weeks. I’m sorry for my franglish 🙂

Kisses and dreams

Or how, until my last kiss study, my laziness makes me export an article from tumblr. But, please, still on the kiss thematic. You’ve learned by now that I’m quite fond of kissing scenes. But this one is far from being my fav because of the bitch Sarah Caulfield (and because there’s a real lack of alchemy between these two…. everything feels wrong and forced between them  * le sigh*)

The shark attack

If I’ve decided to gif it tonight it’s not because I’ve changed my mind but because of a dream I’ve had whilst I was still on drugs (thanks sickness). Being an admirer of his for the past 7 months, I’ve never dreamt of Richard. Ever. Whereas Michael Fassbender has been invading my dreams a little too much for my taste XD. Getting back to the dream, I find some its elements  in that kiss, the brusqueness, his way of forcing her into this kiss, the awkwardness.

I remember little, only a scene, but what a scene ! and especially the feelings and sensations, so strong and overwhelming !

We’re in my hometown, in a street, just outside a bar. The cold bites my cheeks. I try in vain to warm my hands by blowing on them. He’s facing me, a smirk on his face. I can’t explain why,  but I know we’ve been spending the evening flirting. I want him. I want him so much it’s almost painful, crushing me whole.

We’re chatting mindlessly, and every time his gaze shifts from mine, my stomach and heart are twisting in fear until his eyes fall on me again. I feel so alive when he looks at me. And then all I want is to disappear as his beauty seems suffocating to me. His feminine ways, his elegant gestures. His bright eyes opened to the world. His dazzling look that pierces me, disarms me.

One moment we’re talking, the next is on me, against me, his lips crushed against mine, his right hand intertwined with my hair, forcing me into this kiss, his body pressed against mine, almost hurting me with his brusqueness. His free hand is out to discover my body. I choke under his embrace, his kisses, gasping for air and having this strange tingling sensation in the palms of my hands, light headed, legs weak at the knees. 

So I cling to him as if I were drowning, I’m melting into him, blending in him, my nails driven into his neck. His stuble scrapes my face, my mouth but I don’t care. I’m devouring him as he’s devouring me. It’s good and awkward. Soft and passionate, spicy and fragrant. The urgency of the freezing weather is pushing us to embrace each other, to warm us up. This heat is so real.

And I woke up

I don’t know what this dream says about me. It’s interesting that my subconscious,  when I never fantasize over a physical intimacy nor dream of him, throws me into Richard’s arms so violently in a kiss more than passionate.

Lire la suite

Are we in love with Richard ? Thoughts about Armitagemania

I have several posts on hand,  my two kisses to analyse and a brief summary of my London trip, but I want if not need an interlude. Why? There’s quite a mess in my little head and I have to evacuate it (perhaps it’s the fast approaching of my 25th birthday, will I become an adult at last ? ^ ^)

For those who don’t know it yet, I also run under the same pseudonym a Tumblog I use to share most of my creations (animated or things RA related) but also to discover the creations of our army’s other members. It ‘s a platform rather messy, reactive, a bit shallow but also very addictive 🙂 It’s very visual, whereas wordpress is more textual and analytical (although this doesn’t prevent us from behaving like any fangirl , admiring Richard’s nipples for example ….)

(currently gifing Strike Back – screencaps are mine)

I recently noticed something, first on Tumblr and then  here via Snicker’s mom’s post : « defection » of some fans to other actors. In both cases it’s in Tom Hiddleston’s  favor, but it’s only pure chance, thanks to The Avengers. If I’d written this article 4 months ago, I’d named Michael Fassbender, and in 4 months it’d be yet another actor. I don’t begrudge these people for their « infidelity », nor those actors for leading them astray 😉 , I recognize also that, as for myself, I am not insensible to their charms and talents.

I’m not one to  easily fall in admiration and fanaticism, like any teenager, for the first talented actor attractive enough to catch my attention. Which is why I was much taken aback by my gut reaction for Richard. I’m not a fangirl. I’ve never been  and I would probably never be one again. If not for him. Him alone. And the day when this madness will come to an end, because that day will come, it will have only been him.

John Porter, showing us his muscular back

Why do I say that the day of my defection will come with such certainty ? Because it’s already somewhat the case. No, I’m exaggerating a little, but I’m not far from reality. Why? Because I distance myself. I already did on a regular basis from the beginning, but I used to plunged back every time.  Not anymore. Strangely, this dates back to my article on fantasies, as if the fact of having  written them down had suppressed them.  For example, since I’ve written my main fantasy here, I’ve never invoked it again.  Do I need another scenario to play with? Maybe 🙂

Is the scarcity of Richard the cause of my declining passion ? In part, I’d be lying if I said otherwise, but it really isn’t the main reason. I’m too « new » in this army for it to affect my enthusiasm. I think I invested so much in my Richard, who lives in my head, in my fantasies, that the true one, as Richard himself, doesn’t have the same interest in my eyes. He’s no match to my fantasized version of him. Which is a good thing !

I’m better in my life, my work,  my relationship. I feel that I could eat the world. I wasn’t in a hole when Richard (or rather John) crossed my path, but I wasn’t good either. And he helped me feel good again , he supported me, he was my pillar,  he made me smile, laugh and cry. The moment I saw him, I loved him with all my heart. There have been only him. There will only be him. I forget who said this, but this sentence comes to my mind « a crush lasts only four months. » It’s been six months for me, so when I say I’m a baby soldier, I’m not kidding :). And yet I’m still hooked, I stepped back, certainly, for my own sanity, but I’m still hooked ! It’s not a crush. I’m in love with him. That’s it. I write it. This is not a love in the conventional sense, let’s be clear, but the feelings I experienced and I feel are very close to what I felt every time I fell in love, hence the parallel I authorize myself to make, and especially the words I allow myself to use. The words we use to describe our admiration for him are part of the love vocabulary, so why not push the analogy further? The fires of passion have thus subsided between Richard and I, we are now starting a calmer but deeper relationship 🙂

Of course there’s his lovely profile, but all I see is his hands, holding the trigger, and his raised thumb.

Am I crazy ?  Am I sick because I write these words ? I do not think so. Of course, naming things makes them real, but it can also hold them at bay. The act of writing, particularly here, and interacting with other fans makes me realize that I am not alone which is reassuring, but mostly is cathartic, so I encourage you all to write what’s on your heart, no matter who read you, whether it bothers some people or not, do it for you and it will make a world of good.

Lire la suite

I’d love to/ J’adorerais

Cela me brise le coeur de savoir que je ne le connaîtrai jamais réellement – Original can be found here

I’m not one to be interested into celebrities private life. Moreover, the fact that Mr Armitage’s is so private is not to displease me. I’d hate to find his whereabouts spread all over a tabloid. What interests me in a band I like is their music. What fascinates me in a novel is the way I feel while reading it. That’s why I’m always surprised to discover in an article the face / life /age of a person I admire because in general my curiosity is limited to their work and not to themselves.

Mr Armitage is the exception that proves the rule. I’d barely finished watching North and South that I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to (and still does) know the real him. Who is he ? How is he when there’s no camera ? What makes him laugh ? What does he like ? What is his favorite color/book/dishes ? What was his childhood like ? How is he with his friends/relatives ? I would love to know his foibles, his mannerisms, the nuances of his intonation betraying what he really feels, how he is when he’s tired/angry/amused. All those little details that make us who we truly are. It reminds me of an another richardarmitageconfession, one about just being his friend and hanging out together. I’d love to.

But sometimes, my fanaticism of him, – because I‘m a fan(atic) let’s face it -, pushes me to question my sanity – thus this blog second title. It’s like the ebb and flow of the sea. Sometimes my feelings and sensations are so overwhelming that it almost becomes scary. At other times, I distance myself so much that I’m able to tell myself I could stop everything and no longer feel the urge to talk and write about him. And then I see a picture of him, a gif, I hear his voice and the cycle repeats.

I’m leaving tomorrow for London for a long week-end, so no new post until at least tuesday. I have a few things on my mind, and after being such a masochist by studying Lucas, I will treat myself (and you 🙂 ) with something nice. The idea popped in my mind while making these gifs. Next on the french armitage army, a kiss study in 3 acts ! 🙂

Je ne suis pas du genre à m’intéresser à la vie privée des célébrités. D’ailleurs, le fait que celle de M. Armitage soit aussi privée n’est pas pour me déplaire. Je détesterai retrouver ses déboires en une d’un tabloid. Ce qui m’intéresse dans un groupe que j’aime, c’est leur music. Ce qui me fascine dans un roman que j’adore, c’est ce que je ressens en le lisant. C’est pourquoi je suis toujours surprise de découvrir au détour d’un article le visage/l’âge/la vie d’une personne que j’admire, car en général mon intérêt se limite à leur travail et non à leur petite personne.

M. Armitage est l’exception qui confirme la règle. A peine avais-je fini de regarder Nord et Sud que je voulais en savoir plus sur lui. Je voulais (et veux toujours) connaître le “vrai” lui. Qui est il ? Comment se comporte-t-il quand il n’y a plus de caméras ? Qu’est ce qui le fait rire ? Qu’aime-t-il ? Quel est son plat/livre/couleur préféré ? Comment était son enfance ? Comment est-il avec ses amis/famille ? J’adorerais connaître ses faiblesses, ses petites manies, les nuances de son intonation trahissant ce qu’il pense réellement, comment il est lorsqu’il est fatigué/énervé/amusé. Toutes ces petites choses qui font de nous ce que nous sommes réellement. Cela me rappelle une autre richardarmitageconfession, une à propos d’être simplement son amie et d’aller boire un verre ensemble. J’adorerais.

Mais mon fanatisme pour lui, car oui, je suis une fanatique il faut le reconnaître, me pousse parfois à remettre en question ma santé mentale, d’où le sous-titre de ce blog. Il est comme les flux et reflux de la mer. Parfois, les sentiments et les sensations que je ressens sont tellement puissants que cela en devient flippant, à d’autres moments, je prend tellement de recul que je me dis que je pourrais laisser tout tomber et ne plus éprouver le besoin de parler et d’écrire sur lui. Et puis je vois une photo de lui, un gif, j’entend sa voix et le cycle recommence.

Je pars demain à Londres pour un long week-end, donc pas de nouveau post avant au moins mardi. J’ai plusieurs choses à l’esprit, et après avoir été une telle masochiste en étudiant Lucas, je vais me faire plaisir  (et vous faire plaisir) en étudiant quelque chose d’agréable cette fois. L’idée m’est venue tout en faisant ces gifs. Prochainement sur the french armitage army, une étude en 3 actes de baiser ! 🙂

Fantasies / Fantasmes part 2

Comme toujours, en français sous « lire la suite « 

Following the excellent article by Servetus, I have slightly delayed the publication of this one because I felt the need to develop certain aspects of my thinking. What I found particularly interesting in her article is that she conjures different characters played by Mr A in her fantasies. Richard as himself, or at least as she sees him, only came later, when she allowed herself to fantasize about him. Personally, I’ve never fantasized about one of his character, ever. I understand the attraction they may have for some, but not for me. Only Mr A as himself takes part in my fantasies, because as I said during the 30 day RA challenge , my favorite of his characters is his public persona,  therefore it’s logical that he’s the hero of my scenarios. Why should I be embarrassed to admit this ? The vision I have of Richard is as fictional than the one I have of Guy or Lucas, so I see no reason to police what I say.

Richard Armitage at the Hobbit press conference, the only protagonist of my fantasies

After my childhood fantasies, the one that makes me endure my job when  it exhausts me or when there’s a tension with le BF is Richard. I only have two fantasy about him, and only the most recent (and most powerful) interests me here. This is a not a writing master piece, I’ve simply tried to summarize the scenario I play with so do not expect a work of art! 🙂

Journalist for a magazine, I’m on my way to the Hobbit press conference for the movie promotional tour in Bordeaux (even if it’s a major french city, it’s far from enough to attract the Hobbit but… fantasy :)). I’m dogged by misfortunes, the tram I’m in goes down  and I have to finish the journey on foot. It starts raining and my shoes hurt. I wanted to be a « real woman » by wearing heels,  but now I regret it. I always have a pair of flat shoes in my bag, so I changed, keeping the other pair in hand, and resume my route. I finally get to the hotel, drenched and exhausted, only to realize that I missed the conference.

The Regent Hotel in Bordeaux, one of my fantasy scenery

Annoyed, I’m about to leave , thinking about my boss’ future scolding when I see two men coming off the hotel bar. I know it’s him. His back is turned to me, accompanied by his publicist, but I’d recognize him amongst a thousand. I know I look miserable, hair dripping, mascara probably streaming on my cheeks, heels in hand, but I can’t miss this opportunity. I approach him but his agent is standing before him, putting a distance between us. He tries to push me away, but I insist. Richard intervenes, interrupting  his agent to let me speak, staring at me from head to toe, which makes me even more self-conscious of what I look like. I’m mortified but gathering my courage, I quickly explained my situation, begging for a few minutes of his time. Something in my words or my attitude makes him took pity of me because he accepts my offer, much to the chagrin of his agent. I ask him how long he can give me. 15 minutes. If he gives me 10 more, I take him to a pub next door to be out of the Hobbit madness . A pint of beer is an excellent argument because once again he agrees. Follows an idle chatter on the way.

The Charles Dickens pub

I keep for myself the questions I’d ask him  because they change depending on my mood – and they’re too dear to me. The interview goes well, I’m professional, I don’t fangirl, which might embarrass him, and I even managed to gain his trust despite a difficult start. I’m especially interested in him, I try to capture him in the time allotted to me. Some questions are very specific  other completely anecdotic. He’s sometimes elusive, but he avoids no questions. I’d be lying if I said I don’t flirt a little with him, but it’s not what this whole fantasy is about. Mr A isn’t famous in France, not yet, so we aren’t disturbed in the pub or on the way.

Once the interview ended, I pay for our consomations and accompanies him to his hotel. On the way, an idle chatter again. I ask him if he had time to visit Bordeaux since his arrival. No, their schedule is too tight so they have no time for sightseeing, to his chagrin. I stop and stare at him. Without even thinking, I suggest, if he wishes to and if he has time, to give him a tour of my city. Polite, he smiles and replies that he’d love to but can’t. I interrupt him by saying that it’s okay, I understand. He laughs again and goes on, saying that if I want him to, he can join me once his obligations fulfilled. A stupid grin on my face, I scribbles my number on a piece of paper and hands him before I leave.

Parking Victor Hugo

Does he call me ? Yes. Do I give him a tour of my beloved Bordeaux ? Yes. Another pub that I love (  beer+me = the perfect equation), a wine bar whose main room is built around a huge fake real-looking tree, a parking with a car giving the impression of to be about falling into the void, the narrow streets and crooked places crawling with restaurants and nightlife, a huge square with a massive fountain, the ruins of a Roman arena, the quays of the Garonne and « Le miroir d’eau » for a final evening walk. It’s adorable, funny, moving. In one word,  perfect. Does he kiss me or more ? No. I touch his hands, his face, he does the same. Nothing more, nothing less. But there is this connection, just this once, just once, for one evening. And that’s all.

This fantasy is deeply rooted in reality. I’m not nice with myself, on the contrary, I’m in trouble (rain, tram going down). I try to take an exacerbated femininity that isn’t mine (the shoes). As a child I wanted to be a writer. Growing up, I told myself  journalist would be a good financial alternative. Adoring film critic, it’s a job I’ve considered for long. In the end, I took a different path but it’s something I could have done. As in my real life, I’ve just started my job and I suffers from pressure from my boss. I see Richard as a case study I want to dissect and solve his mystery. I take him to a place where I feel comfortable, I control the setting if not the effect he has on me. A pint of beer always helps ! What I want is to see the world through his eyes and let him see the world through mine, hence the proposition to visit my town.

Le Palais Gallien, ruins of a roman arena

aside

I’ve always have this fascination with what happens in people’s head. We all have a different way of seeing, feeling and thinking, and I find it extraordinary.The differences are further exacerbated between two people from different cultures and languages. The language we speak and the words we have shape our thoughts, so I’m often frustrated when I speak/write in English, because words fail me and therefore my thoughts are not as precise as I’d like. I always have in mind this example of Inuit languages with about thirty words for « snow ». Thus an Inuit succeed to think and express nuances that I would be unable to seize, as French.

End of aside.

By paying the bill and proposing to give him a tour, keep control while remaining independent. I take the lead, leaving him my number, but doesn’t ask for his because he has to come to me. If he wants to see me, let him come. I’m definitely proud. But by leaving the choice to call me or not, I leave an opening that prevents me to suffer the full brunt of rejection. My insecurities. In real life, I’m in a relationship, but not in my fantasy. However, nothing happens between me and Mr A. Not because unconsciously I refuse to « cheat » on le BF, but because it’s not what I want. I’m looking for this connection, the communion between two minds, just once, just one night. Nothing more, nothing less. Therefore an autographed photo will never satisfy me 😉

Le miroir d'eau

Lire la suite

RA’s autograph

Version française de l’article sous « lire la suite » 🙂

In the early stages of my addiction, when I was still deep in North and South, the very origin of the existence of this blog, I felt a compelling need to express what I felt. For Richard, in his incredible talent, is an actor who makes me feel things, feelings, emotions, sensations. It’s not only his job that triggers this phenomenon but his whole being. A well-chosen photo of him, a particular quote, and especially his voice makes me feel. Never an actor had caused this reaction before him. In contact with his work, through what I felt so badly, I felt alive too. Therefore, overflowing with these intense feelings, I needed to externalize and put words on it.

Richard's autograph, taken from here

The very first thing I did was to write. Specifically write to him. I need to say that this letter, although written for and about him, was not really intended to him. It was a way like another to express what I felt with and for him. Indeed, the only time I’ve written to a celebrity, was at 9 and it was for the Spice Girls – please don’t judge me ! XD-. Suffice to say that I wasn’t used to this stuff ! So I wrote this letter, this long letter in English to explain, and above all, to explain to myself the reasons of my sudden and disproportionate dedication to this man I’ll never meet. Some extracts of this letter have been incorporated into my Why now? ,Why him?  and Why me?posts

That was a release but it wasn’t enough. Starting to look up information about him via Google (like everyone :D), I discovered blogs, forums and wonderful sites, designed to fuel my addiction. I wanted to know everything about him. But strangely, the only thing I didn’t sought was if he were in a relationship or not, returning key word in research related to his name 🙂 Then I discovered the special relationship he maintains with his fans, these lovely messages he’s sent them, and also the subject I wanted to raise here : autographed photos. I didn’t even think you could write to a celebrity asking for one !
So I now had a letter and an address. What would I do? I thought to send my pages. I thought about it seriously. Even if I knew that my letter would not arrive in his hands, I needed to express all the good I thought of him because it never hurts to receive a compliment ;). I  prepared everything,  I just had to post it. But I couldn’t. For a whole month I kept this envelope at the bottom of my bag, to the point that it got damaged. And then I put it away in a drawer, where it’s still there, crumpled and stained.Why? Why did I not send it? Why would I never ask for an autograph from Richard ?

This one is Jonia's, found on her wonderful blog 🙂

I understand the need some people feel to request an autograph, be it face to face with a celebrity or by mail, it’s a trace, a proof of the encounter in the first case, and it’s a piece of said celebrity in the second. I do not judge this practice. But it doesn’t reflect me at all. Actually if I were to send this letter, it weren’t an autographed photo I’d  wish to receive in return but an answer, not necessarily a letter, but at least a few lines, something personal, real, addressed to me.  An autograph is not enough for me, I must be too demanding ! It’s like in the case of an encounter. I don’t picture myself  to a premiere, crushed between dozens and dozens other fans, begging for an autograph. Perhaps I would see  him from afar, but I certainly would not be in the crowd. Again, don’t get me wrong, I do not denigrate these attitudes, it’s just that it’s not what I’m looking for. If he were in front of me, I would want to talk to him, ask him questions (one day I’d have to dig  this interview fantasy I have …), and try to capture a little of his being during these precious seconds (minutes ? 🙂 ), not take a picture of me with him or his autograph on a photo.
I want more from him, so much more than what he can give to his fans (and no, I’m not talking about what might happen in a bed or elsewhere ….;)) Thus I prefer to keep my distance I prefer to have nothing from him rather than have those scraps that’ll never satisfy my hunger of him.

A Lucas North study, part 1

Edit : I’m sorry for the typos, weird syntax or vocabulary, but my brain just died because of this post XD

It’s been a while since I’ve wanted to write about Spooks. On a specific scene. A difficult , heartbreaking scene, which shows once again the talent of Richard. I didn’t knew how to approach it, I still  don’t by the way, but the idea kept going in circles in my mind so I decided to yield. Even if it means rewatching said scene  several times in an attempt to grasp its nuances and especially why it upsets me so much. The scene in question is, I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, taken from episode 4 of season 8, Lucas North suicide attempt during his imprisonment in Russia.

Before getting into the thick of things I need to develop a few things about me as a viewer. In « real » life, I do not cry, ever. I think the last time I cried was at my grandfather’s funeral two years ago, and it’s not so much his death that saddened me rather than my mother’s absolute misery. I put some distance between the world and me , I am and I must be strong, for me, for others. Therefore, it’s out of question to show any signs of weakness, because yes, crying is a weakness.

In contrast, while watching a film, tv show, reading a book or even listening to music that I love, I can easily burst into tears. These various media are my escapes, they allow me to let go and allow myself, for once, to feel fully. It may be horrible to say this, but I often feel more affected by the fate of a character than by what happens around me. Because in a way, it’s virtual and therefore safe for me.

Now back to Lucas. Seconds before the flashback, he’s been violently arguing with Sarah. He is sharp, aggressive, on the edge. We don’t know if he will explode or collapse. If he will react with violence again, preferring rage to despair, or whether he will be as he is : a broken man. And this is where RA’s talent  is shown. Lucas is feverish, he rushes to the sink, running water to cool both his face and spirit. His gestures are jerky, imprecise, awkward. His agitation is clearly visible. His breathing is audible, fast, he fights against his own body, betrayed by it. There’s also that habit of his I love, which he regularly uses  in distress. He covers his face with his hands. This simple gesture makes  Lucas appear particularly vulnerable and fragile. Throughout this passage his back is turned to us, but at no time his face is needed to understand his inner turmoil. ( I don’t know why but  I think about the « Tempête sous un crâne » of Valjean in Les Miserables. ) This guy is so good, he succeeds to convey emotion with his back!

Flasback. Focus on his face. He’s lying on the floor. He’s exhausted, dirty. His hands against his chest, he’s almost in a fetal position, looking for any comfort. His eyes haggard, he seems  lost, disconnected.

Back to Lucas in his apartment, still filmed from behind, his hands resting on the countertop. He’s overcome by nausea, almost convulsing, while his chest is contracting. His psychological trauma is so intense that it affects him physically. It’s a panic attack, he tries to suppress it as he can. He literally fights against what he feels, he’s overwhelmed by his feelings.

Flashback. This time in wide angle shot. He is curled up on the floor, barefoot, wearing only pants. His cell is empty and decrepit, which further enhances the impression of fragility. Lucas looks almost frail, crushed by the prison. He tries to get up but can’t, he crawls more than he stands up, he even needs the support of the wall. All in an extremely slowness. Every detail, voluntarily or not on the part of Richard, is done to emphasize the impression of vulnerability and instability. He stands hunched, his eyes half closed, as if it were impossible for Lucas to face a second more the reality of his situation. He’s on a razor’s edge, ready to switch at any time.

His lips are plucked, he has trouble swallowing, he lowers his head, forehead pressed against the wall, once again a gesture of submission and surrender. He capitulates. (It’s interesting to see that after the departure of Sarah, he has exactly the same attitude,  this time leaning on the door , after closing it). I don’t know if his decision is made at that moment. He contemplates the idea of his own death, thinking that he can’t bear this life anymore,  or as I say, his non-life. I don’t think that when he grabed the chair he’s fully aware of what he’s doing. Lucas seems to be in a daze. He suffers, so he finds a solution to stop it, a drastic one. It’s simple.

Shoulders low, his face collapses, his mouth is drawn down, lips parted, his jaw hanging and trembling, he’s overwhelmed by the weight of his situation. Only the space between his eyebrows is contracted, accentuating the feeling of depression. In both shots, present-Lucas and past-Lucas, he has the same expression, the same attitude, staring at the ceiling in one case and at the rope  in another. He relives the scene.

I’ll stop here for today, just before the most difficult passage, because this is already much longer than I expected, and unfortunately messier too! I won’t tell you how many times I had to watched this scene, but I must be somehow masochistic 🙂

A Lucas North study part 2 

French below the cut

Lire la suite

A RA quote not to my liking

Tumblr is the perfect place to create, reblogg and share all sorts of graphics and I love it for what it is. But sometimes I need to express myself, share ideas on more than a few lines, and it’s really not the appropriate place. That’s why I decided to join Wordpress in the first place. This and the fact that I can now easily comment on blogs I read assiduously.

So here I am developing on a quote that bothers me. It’s from an interview you can find on richardarmitagenet, I don’t quite like this interview because Richard is revealing too much to my liking. When you see that today’s communication is non-existent,  Hobbit teasing  I presume, we’re switching from one extreme to another !

said faulty quote

At first, since english isn’t my native language, I wondered if  the word bloke was only used to talk about men or if it could be a more generic word like guy. Recycledvinyl, whose the one behind these wonderful quotes, was nice enough to answer me and confirm the ugly truth. Richard, oh, sweetie, why assume that these instincts are a male preserve ? Do women have monogamy written in their dna ? Don’t  misunderstand me,  even though I’ve been raised by women, I’m not a hardcore feminist who sees evil everywhere. Women’s rights are important to me but not at the expense of men’s. Because I totally relate to this quote, I understand it, feel it in my flesh and agree with it. Which is why that implication differentiating male and female urges bothers me.

Above all, it’s this vision of human nature which send me back to who I am and what I did. Once again, RA is the trigger for a deeper personal reflection. I remember who I was, this hopeless lover, this passionate child. I’m not by any mean a remarkable woman, just a petite brown-eyed brunette. But I have in my favor a nice smile, a catchy look and above all an enterprising spirit. I have absolutely no confidence in me, I could write pages and pages about my physical and moral defects, but I think I have that kind of recklessness and pride born from fear that drives you out of your comfort zone . I’m bluffing, always. And that’s what worked. Men are sometimes so coward that being chosen rather than having to choose is much easier for them. So I chose them or forced them to choose me.

I don’t know for them, but in my own way I’ve loved them all. I’m in love with love, I know, as I wrote above, I’m a hopeless romantic. For me nothing is like this excitement  before acting out, this courtship, this exquisite pain that plunges us into uncertainty « does he/she like me? ». I’ve lived for those moments. And once the object of my desire granted, I needed a new prey. I multiplied them, losing myself in my feelings and in this headlong rush because I had been broken. For the game.

I understand perfectly Richard’s point of view. The charm of novelty, curiosity towards other people, the adrenaline rush, these doubts, this game completely addictive. I know how it works, how it can be attractive, especially when we  lack of confidence. It’s reassuring to see that we can be attractive, especially to someone we want ! I just wished he wouldn’t have been so narrow-minded back in the day to restrict his statement to men.

French translation below 🙂

Lire la suite