Are we in love with Richard ? Thoughts about Armitagemania

I have several posts on hand,  my two kisses to analyse and a brief summary of my London trip, but I want if not need an interlude. Why? There’s quite a mess in my little head and I have to evacuate it (perhaps it’s the fast approaching of my 25th birthday, will I become an adult at last ? ^ ^)

For those who don’t know it yet, I also run under the same pseudonym a Tumblog I use to share most of my creations (animated or things RA related) but also to discover the creations of our army’s other members. It ‘s a platform rather messy, reactive, a bit shallow but also very addictive 🙂 It’s very visual, whereas wordpress is more textual and analytical (although this doesn’t prevent us from behaving like any fangirl , admiring Richard’s nipples for example ….)

(currently gifing Strike Back – screencaps are mine)

I recently noticed something, first on Tumblr and then  here via Snicker’s mom’s post : « defection » of some fans to other actors. In both cases it’s in Tom Hiddleston’s  favor, but it’s only pure chance, thanks to The Avengers. If I’d written this article 4 months ago, I’d named Michael Fassbender, and in 4 months it’d be yet another actor. I don’t begrudge these people for their « infidelity », nor those actors for leading them astray 😉 , I recognize also that, as for myself, I am not insensible to their charms and talents.

I’m not one to  easily fall in admiration and fanaticism, like any teenager, for the first talented actor attractive enough to catch my attention. Which is why I was much taken aback by my gut reaction for Richard. I’m not a fangirl. I’ve never been  and I would probably never be one again. If not for him. Him alone. And the day when this madness will come to an end, because that day will come, it will have only been him.

John Porter, showing us his muscular back

Why do I say that the day of my defection will come with such certainty ? Because it’s already somewhat the case. No, I’m exaggerating a little, but I’m not far from reality. Why? Because I distance myself. I already did on a regular basis from the beginning, but I used to plunged back every time.  Not anymore. Strangely, this dates back to my article on fantasies, as if the fact of having  written them down had suppressed them.  For example, since I’ve written my main fantasy here, I’ve never invoked it again.  Do I need another scenario to play with? Maybe 🙂

Is the scarcity of Richard the cause of my declining passion ? In part, I’d be lying if I said otherwise, but it really isn’t the main reason. I’m too « new » in this army for it to affect my enthusiasm. I think I invested so much in my Richard, who lives in my head, in my fantasies, that the true one, as Richard himself, doesn’t have the same interest in my eyes. He’s no match to my fantasized version of him. Which is a good thing !

I’m better in my life, my work,  my relationship. I feel that I could eat the world. I wasn’t in a hole when Richard (or rather John) crossed my path, but I wasn’t good either. And he helped me feel good again , he supported me, he was my pillar,  he made me smile, laugh and cry. The moment I saw him, I loved him with all my heart. There have been only him. There will only be him. I forget who said this, but this sentence comes to my mind « a crush lasts only four months. » It’s been six months for me, so when I say I’m a baby soldier, I’m not kidding :). And yet I’m still hooked, I stepped back, certainly, for my own sanity, but I’m still hooked ! It’s not a crush. I’m in love with him. That’s it. I write it. This is not a love in the conventional sense, let’s be clear, but the feelings I experienced and I feel are very close to what I felt every time I fell in love, hence the parallel I authorize myself to make, and especially the words I allow myself to use. The words we use to describe our admiration for him are part of the love vocabulary, so why not push the analogy further? The fires of passion have thus subsided between Richard and I, we are now starting a calmer but deeper relationship 🙂

Of course there’s his lovely profile, but all I see is his hands, holding the trigger, and his raised thumb.

Am I crazy ?  Am I sick because I write these words ? I do not think so. Of course, naming things makes them real, but it can also hold them at bay. The act of writing, particularly here, and interacting with other fans makes me realize that I am not alone which is reassuring, but mostly is cathartic, so I encourage you all to write what’s on your heart, no matter who read you, whether it bothers some people or not, do it for you and it will make a world of good.

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